Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Wanted: The Movie, "Wanted"

This was a movie about a gang of hit men who were all apparently “wanted.” But I will tell you that after seeing this movie the only thing I “wanted” was my money back!!!

This movie lost me as soon as they revealed that this group of hit men took their instructions from the Loom of Fate. That's right, in some room they have all by itself a loom that perpetually turns out material that is decoded to reveal the names of people that the hit men are supposed to target. A LOOM?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! I'm trying to think of a time I've felt more insulted as a movie-goer. What's next, a secret society controlling the world making decisions based on a hidden language they unearthed in some guy's beard? The loom is continually turning out material, so wouldn’t it seem that zillions of names would be coming out all the time? And wouldn't the laws of probability demand that eventually every person on the globe's name would come up fairly soon at that rate? At the last scene where the main character turns to the camera and says, "What the F have you done lately?" (which was incredibly lame - one of the lamest endings of all-time), all I could think of was, "Well, I haven't killed someone because a loom told me to..."

Another staple of the movie is the ability to curve the bullet, which is physically impossible. But then at the end, Angelina Jolie's character apparently invents the boomerang bullet tactic in which the bullet travels in an entire circle around the room before ending back at her. Another thing about Angelina Jolie is that she never puts more than five words together in the entire movie. Most of it is her making the traditional, "Hey, I'm Angelina Jolie. Look at my big lips and seductive gaze, and wish you could have me. But you can't, because I'm too much for you to handle." Actually, I think one-fourth of the movie is the camera panning to her so she can make that face.

We're also supposed to believe early on that the main character is able to be best friends with the guy he hates who is banging his girlfriend. And furthermore, that the main character still lives with his girlfriend and says nothing about it. Surely that's never happened.. at least I really hope not.

Towards the beginning the main character is continually beaten up by this gang of hit men as part of his initiation. However, there's never an explanation given as to why they kept beating him up. There's one guy who never has a line the entire movie whose sole purpose seems to be to punch the main character in the face. Maybe his value is to give the audience some satisfaction when the main character brutally kills him later on, who knows. But all the bludgeoning doesn't help the main character's career as a hit man in the least - he's still the same when they're done with him. He only gets better when he's actually practicing hit man skills. Maybe you could say they did it to make him tough, but why would you need that if you're a hit man who can kill people from a half mile away?

On one floor of the mansion housing all the hit men there is for some reason never explained a bunch of frozen meat hanging around, tended by a crazy butcher hit man who prefers knives over guns, which is also never explained. He's also strangely obsessed with calling the main character a pussy. When the main character finally goes after him, the butcher is running around hiding from him between all the hanging meat, but it somehow never occurs to the main character to get on the floor and look under the hanging meat to see where this butcher might be running. And so the main character gets needlessly flayed up before inevitably dispatching the meat monger with the Dark Age talents.

Apparently the main character is also part Hancock, as he stands on top of a train going forty miles an hour and gets knocked over by a bridge as the train goes into a tunnel, with no real injury.

At another point, the main character is about to fall hundreds of feet to his death, except he is being held by the person he is supposed to kill. But instead of waiting until he is saved to kill the guy, the main character shoots him while still being held over a canyon. Qualification for being a top-notch hit man: royal idiot. Check. Eventually, they all fall hundreds of feet down in a train car with no real injury.

In the climax, the main character ties little bombs to hundreds of mice and lets them loose in front of the hit man mansion. Apparently, he also fed these mice extraordinary amounts of steroids and enhancers, because within one minute they had covered multiple floors of this hundred-thousand square-foot compound.

Morgan Freeman's hit man character lies to all the other hit men about whether his name came up as a target, and they all find out. He then tells them that all their names came up as targets, and they all automatically believe him. Qualification for being a top-notch hit man: royal idiot. Check.

And for some reason the hit men draw an X on the ground where they want the person they're targeting to be when they pull the trigger. But why would they need to see an X if they can also see the person they're targeting? And if they need the person to stand right on the X in order to hit them, aren't the odds pretty ridiculously small for that to happen? Plus, one of the guys who stands on the X and gets shot is the leader of the hit men. Wouldn't you think he'd see a large red X when he was walking up to it and - knowing he was a targeted person - think, "Maybe I shouldn't stand right in the middle of this bright red X today?" Qualification for being a top-notch hit man: royal idiot. Check.

Basically, what happened with this movie was one day some guy had an epiphany about how cool it would be to be able to curve a bullet. They then hired a team of B script writers to fill in the details, and picked up Angelina Jolie so that the movie would actually make some money. But hey, they gave it a shot and it worked. No pun intended.