Terminology:
Chasm: The abyss on either side of the island of land where instant death occurs.
He's Doing It (HDI): The act of smashing an opponent downward when that opponent is exposed over the chasm, resulting in that opponent's instant death in the abyss.
Edge Guarding: The art form of continually smashing one's opponent back out over the chasm before they can reach the edge of the island. The HDI is the pinnacle of edge guarding.
Item Snatching/Whoring: The act of running around looking for and grabbing items to benefit oneself or to lob at other opponents who are fighting each other.
Queer Fighting: The act of lobbing items or ranged attack at other opponents who are fighting each other. This is a violation of Unspoken Rule # 1, and generally incites the wrath of the other opponents, to the Queer Fighter's chagrin.
Going Skiing/Going Cross Country: The act of getting smashed so badly that one flies from one side of the island of land to the other, and usually out over the chasm.
Don't Ruin a Good Thing: A verbalizing of Unspoken Rule # 2. Ok, so that's an oxymoron. Deal with it.
The Jake: The structure on the castle level where Jake always hung out/hid.
The Final Smash: The 4-player 99-life Super Bowl of Smash.
The Unspoken Rules:
# 1: It is not permissible to fight a ranged battle against opponents who are fighting each other close hand.
# 2: When one opponent is destroying another opponent, the uninvolved players must not interfere until such destruction has subsided.
# 3: It is not permissible to single out one opponent for extended periods of time.
# 4: When there are three players left and I am one of them, the other two must double team me until one team has won.
How not to look stupid while playing Smash:
1. Don't brag about how many kills you got if you lost. Winning is everything. Everything else is nothing. However, if one player records a goose egg in kills, he is subject to ridicule from all.
2. If you're new and you fall off the edge, don't press 500 buttons and scream while you helplessly fall into the chasm. It only makes you look more ridiculous. Example: Clay screaming "Yoshi respond!!!" while he plummets into the chasm.
3. If you win one out of every one hundred games, don't bother talking any trash.
4. Don't do the same move over and over again. But on the other hand don't do nothing. Both of these made you look like a simple-minded fool.
5. Don't go on and on about how Smash sucks and you hate it, then become convinced to play, get clowned on en route to a dead last finish, then talk about how it really is the dumbest game ever.
6. Don't claim that you can beat me. You can't. You'll only look more stupid when I beat you without dying once.
7. Don't complain about how the controller is broken. They're all broken.
8. Don't talk about how good you were as a kid. We all know you probably just beat your younger brother and a couple neighbors because you were the only one who knew how to pick up items.
Your health:
Don't play Smash for 4 hours a day. This will commonly result in you having Smash visions while you are awake. In these visions you will for split seconds at a time witness scenes from Smash over which you may have marginal control at times. The effect is that of a small dose of shrooms accompanied by Smash characters. Example: one time I received a text from Eric Durso describing how he had just "up-b-ed" Dr. Mackey during economics.
Anomalies:
1. Players will invariably look/act like their characters. Examples include:
- Jared humphs around like Fox and also has semi-triangular head shaped like Fox's. The goatee only helps.
- Clay makes the same disgruntled noises that Yoshi makes.
- Dan Beaty is the size of Donkey Kong and has a similar voice.
- Jeff James' head/face mirror Donkey Kong's head/face.
- John Lafferty runs around screaming and out of control like Captain Falcon.
- I make Kirby's noise if I'm about to sail out of the picture.
- Patrick looks like Link - tall, thin, long curly hair, boyish/ruddy/heroic face.
- Brett playing the happy little kid Ness.
- The exception is Eric as Samus, the girl. And yes, we proved she's a girl by obtaining a snapshot of her when she became naked for a split-second after being zapped by Ness. Witness the evidence:
Sorry, that's female curvature.
2. On the castle level, the tornado will always zoom across and pick you up when you are near death.
3. If you are about to die and you decide to smash open a box or barrel, it will always be an explosive one. (Key example: Eric Durso's failure to consider this anomaly in his final life in the 2008 Final Smash, giving him 2nd place and making Brett Rice the champion. Ironically enough, we had read this right before the match began).
4. If you decide to chase after someone who has the hammer when you have your three seconds of invincibility, it will always run out right before you reach them, and you will get pounded.
5. One person always gets 80% of the hearts each game.
6. On the spaceship level, the laser guns will always target you and shoot you off into oblivion if you are close to death.
This will happen at least once every game:
1. Clay commits suicide.
2. 15 different times someone screams that they rolled.
3. Jon Lafferty screams about something irrelevant.
4. Jared comes close to doing something cool.
5. Someone wrecks on Eric for playing a girl, and he helplessly tries to state that Samus is not a girl, but no one believes him.
6. Steve calls someone a fairy while getting pounded into submission.
7. Dan Weaver exercises the "flaming on" bit for an entire life as Mario.
8. Brett Rice develops a personal vendetta against someone for hitting him once.
9. Someone believes that it is not "just a game."
10. One player questions another player's integrity/character.
11. A truce is made and violated.
12. Someone wonders what would happen if they did the moves in the game to the other people in the room.
13. Patrick feebly tries to claim that it is the "Age of Link" even though he is getting worked.
14. Someone has a life in which they have no control from the beginning to the end and never touch the ground - the whole time they are smashed from one person to another until they die.
15. Someone turns to item snatching in hopes of staying alive.
16. Someone tries to convince everyone else that everyone needs to gang up on me.
The NBA Playoffs meets Smash:
Smash, where "FREE-FOR-ALL!!!!" happens.
Smash, where "Dahh dahh, da-da-da-da-da-daaaa, dahh da dahh" happens.
Smash, where "Hey, guys, it's 3 AM and I have an exam at 8" happens.
Smash, where "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!" happens. Every game.
Smash, where "ALRIGHT GUYS I'M SERIOUS THIS REALLY IS FOR REAL SERIOUSLY MY LAST GAME" happens.
Smash Club:
Some might say that the first rule of Smash Club is that you don't talk about Smash Club. But the thing is, we're good enough to get away with it.
If you feel that something was left out of The Smash Lexicon, contribute below...
1 comment:
for "this will happen at least once every game" i left out kolstad's patented "friiiiick!!!!" actually, that probably happened at least once a life for him...
Post a Comment